Letter #6

This letter was wrote by LostInNJ before he came out to a friend.

You can view the thread discussion and coming out report here:
http://emptyclosets.com/forum/showthread.php?t=21078

Hey "Friend A",
Just wanted to write you a quick letter. Its been quite a while since we have been able to catch up. I know our work schedules have kept us pretty busy and made it hard to meet lately. There's a few things that have been on my mind lately that I was hoping to talk about and get off my chest. I would rather have talked in person, but feel this is the next best thing until the next time we can meet up.

The last year has been a rather difficult one for me and I have spent a lot of time soul searching and trying to figure out which end is up. One thing in-particular has taken me quite a long time to come to terms with. After acknowledging this needs to be addressed and won't just go away on its own, I have started looking for who I can confide with to get some things off my mind.

If you recall in a conversation we had one night at dinner, you said that for some reason you only feel comfortable around gay men. Well, there may be a reason you have felt so comfortable around me. This is something I have known since I was much younger. However, it has been such a big struggle for me to overcome through the years. Although I am not completely comfortable with everything yet, I have decided that I needed to start working on things. I need to tell the people that I trust because I can't do this alone anymore.

Within the past year, I have fallen into a state of depression which has deeply affected my life. I have had a hard time sleeping at night, eating anything, and lost complete interest in the things I used to love doing. I also resorted to drinking to try and rid my problems. Not many people have noticed something has been wrong. The ones that did, I just blamed on the stress of my job which has been my scapegoat all along. It was all too perfect. But, I miss sleeping at night, eating (OMG I love eating and miss it dearly!), and being the happy up-beat person I used to be. Although this has been something I have known since my childhood, it hit particularly hard more recently as I have realized that I'm not getting any younger and would like to start dating and enjoy the simple things of life that I have been missing out on. When I was younger I thought I was only curious or it was just a phase for me, but have come to terms that I'm actually gay. (There, I finally said it!)

Thankfully, I found an online forum which I joined. It is full of so many different people. Some going through the same times I am, and others who already have and are there to offer advice. And some who aren't even gay, but are offering help with open arms. Although I still have bad days, this has helped greatly to keep on my feet and give me an outlet to turn to. It was this that helped me come out to who I did so far, and to build up to tell you. Very recently, I am only out to two friends and my brother. That is all within the past few weeks and has been such a feat in itself for me to do. My brother I should have waited on. I don't think he's too accepting or understanding of it. But I'm bigger and can kick his ass so I'll deal. My two friends "Friend B" and "Friend C" (you probably haven't met) seem to be fine with it.

The first and biggest reason I wanted to tell you is because I know that most of your friends are gay and you are more than accepting of it. I feel it will give me someone to talk to about things and someone I can be myself around and not have to hide anymore. I also figure with how hard it is to try and meet people, you may have better ideas for trying to meet some new faces since a lot of your friends have probably been through the same thing.

For the time being, all I ask is keeping this between you and I (and that includes not telling "Friend D" (her closest friend attached at the hip) lol). I am absolutely petrified of anyone at work finding out and we also share the same opinion about our mutual friends from "G-Town". So I'm not ready for them to know. I'm still not completely comfortable with this and still have some more soul searching to do. It's a whole process, but I'm making some headway with it. Hopefully with time, I will become more comfortable and gain some more confidence.

I appreciate you taking the time to read this and also your effort keeping this between us. It would be really nice to have someone to talk to. Have a good night. Hope to hear from you soon.

Yours Truly,
-LostInNJ