Letter #8

This letter was wrote by Asteroid before he came out to his parents.

Dear mom and dad,

I would like to share something with you about my life because it is important to me that you know this and because I love you. I have only shared this with a few people thus far but I think the time has come that you also know this.

I am sorry for not having been able to share this part of me with you a lot sooner. A lot of times I thought about telling you this about myself. A lot of times I wanted to, but I couldn’t. I had to accept it myself; I had to learn that it is okay to be who I am. I had to think about how best to tell you this because I was afraid that I will lose your love and support.

I am gay. I know this for a long time now. I always thought the feelings that I have will go away. Every time I ignored them or tried to counter them they came back. For a long time I tried to be someone that I am not. By opening up and talking about it I have learnt that this is normal and it is okay to be who I am. I have accepted myself for who I am. I am comfortable with it. I am happier than I was before. There is nothing to be ashamed of. It is not something that I choose. It just happens.

My studies helped me not to talk about it, and they gave me a way out. I never learnt how to relax and truly enjoy my time with my friends, because I always thought about academics and tried to say as little as possible about me, afraid of giving something away. I knew that as long as I kept concentrating on academics I could ignore another side of me. But the medical treatments taught me that I really needed to gain a different perspective on life. I needed to change things. Yes, be an academic but also try to enjoy life and all that it has to offer. I never was truly myself because I never allowed myself to be truly me. It took me a while longer before I finally realized I had to start talking about it.

To get to the point where I am at today, I had to step out of my comfort zones repeatedly. I did things I never thought of being able to do such as talking about it with my friends or being open about it. At the end of March I started seeing a counsellor. Talking with the counsellor and also members of an online support forum has helped me to accept myself and see it as something normal and as a natural part of me. After months of passing a LGBT office and not being able to go in, I was finally able to take that step and go in and introduce myself. It took me a little while before finally being able to tell this to my closest friends. Their support and acceptance have helped me to open up further. At the end of August I had the chance to meet up with [name] who is also a member of the LGBT group for a coffee in downtown. Talking about my experiences, my fears and listening to his experiences helped me to open up to [my sister]. When I told her this about myself, she gave me a hug and told me that it is my life, and I need to be happy. Her support has meant a lot to me. She has helped me a lot. She has become in many respects an activists and just a great and wonderful supporter. I have asked her not to say anything because I needed to be the one who says it. Over the last couple of months, I continued letting others know. Knowing that I have their support and understanding has helped me to build up the courage to tell you. I did not want to tell you this over the phone. I wanted to talk to you about it.

By not sharing this with you I feel that I am distancing myself from you. When you call me and ask me how my day was, I want to be able to tell you that it was good and that I spent part of the day in the LGBT office or have attended a meeting. I want to be able to tell you that I was with [name] for a coffee in downtown to share our experiences and talking about what we do in our lives. In many ways he has become an important part of my coming out experience and I am glad that I have him as a friend. On a few occasions I wanted to tell you more about some of the events that I have attended but I couldn’t. There were times when I needed your support but I could not ask for it.

At times I am thinking and wondering as to whether you have suspected for some time. I never really had a girlfriend, nor did I ever bring a girl home. I don’t talk about dating women or seeing a woman. At the same time, saying this about me might have come as a complete surprise to you. You might be in shock, angry and confused at this point. I understand if you need some time to adjust to it.

I know this can be difficult but please know that I am happier because I am myself around others. Being able to talk about myself without having the feeling of hiding something has helped me to become a stronger person and to form much closer and more meaningful relationships with [my sister], my friends, and I hope with you as well. I hope that you can accept me for who I am. I hope that you will and can be happy for me as well. I want you to be part of it.

You might feel that you have failed as parents, but in reality you haven’t. I am still the same person that I was before you read this letter. I haven’t changed. If I have changed, it is only on the inside because I am happier and enjoy everything I do a lot more.

I have included a book, Now that you know, and a booklet, Our Daughters and Sons, with this letter. Please read them. I have also talked with Becky who is a member of the online forum and is the president of a PFLAG (Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) chapter in Oregon. As a parent who has a gay son, she has indicated to me that she is willing to share her experiences with you and help in any way she can. Her e-mail address is…..

Please know that I am telling you this about myself because I love you and I really want you to know this important part of me. I do want you to be part of my life. You have always been there for me and part of me. I don’t want this to change. I don’t want to hide this from you because I want you to know me for who I am.

M.