Letter #7

This letter was wrote by Psychedelic Bookmarks before she came out to her parents.

You can view the thread discussion here:
http://emptyclosets.com/forum/showthread.php?t=5477

You can read her report on coming out here:
http://emptyclosets.com/forum/showthread.php?p=98144

Dear Mum and Dad,

These last few months you may have noticed I have been growing very unhappy. There is something important which has been on my mind. You may find this suprising, and I’m sorry to put you through this, but I have come to the realisation that I’m gay.

I think I have always had these feelings; I’ve just been repressing them for many years. I desperately wanted to be normal. I could point out times from years ago that could have been clues, but I don’t know if it would be helpful. This last year, I’ve finally opened up and thrown off the terror that surrounded sex when I was small. And once I had done that, I’ve had to admit to myself that I am, seemingly, a lesbian, although that feels like declaring myself an alien. I’ve become unable to ignore the feelings that have been growing. I’m not saying I’m ruling out boys completely, but it’s pointless to pretend I’d want a boyfriend when I’d really prefer a girlfriend any day.

Many gay people only come out when they’re 18 or 20, having gone through a miserable teenage life. I have had a taster of that these last few months and I don’t want to go through that. I want to be honest with you now. Even if I later realise it was a fabled “phase”, that’s better than continuing this hiding. At the beginning of the year, Dad, we were having a conversation, and you assured me you knew I wasn’t gay. I just grunted and steered off the topic, remember? Well, I’m sorry, and I wish I wasn’t saying this, but you were wrong Dad. I think I am a lesbian.

I’m actually crying as I write this. I’m so sorry and I really hate myself. I still love you both so much though and I hope my actions demonstrate that. I’m not doing this to hurt you or shock you – I wish I wasn’t saying it. But I want to be honest with you, and I hope that you will continue to be as supportive as you always have been, and can try to understand some of what I have been going through. I’m still the same person I always was, I’m just finally being honest with you and myself.

Lots of love, from
Helena